


Xeno's Dichotomy

by KittyCatriona (War_Worn_Lipstick)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: First Kiss, Gettingtogether, M/M, YouTube, and dan isn't in the best most conscious state, and phil gives dan a bunch of hickeys, dan has problems, it's pretty gay, like always, rebranding, there's a scene where dnp are drunk, they both have crushes on each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 08:58:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8138153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Worn_Lipstick/pseuds/KittyCatriona
Summary: Dan’s been thinking too much—so much that everything seems impossible. But eventually he realizes that to move forward, you just have to take a step. OR: The one where Dan and Phil rebrand, and the author is an insufferable know-it-all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hahahahahahah

Dan thinks his and Phil’s relationship is the worst it’s ever been. That’s not to say it’s bad. It’s just not as good as usual. 

Phil will say, “Can you clean the dishes?”

To which Dan will respond, “Sure.” 

That’s not a problem. The problem is that while Dan is responding “Sure,” he’s looking at Phil’s lips. And while Phil is smiling and thanking Dan, Phil is looking at Dan’s lips. 

They look at each other’s lips shockingly often considering they're just friends and all. 

Dan is ninety percent certain that Phil wants to kiss him as much as he wants to kiss Phil, but that edging uncertainty always throws him off. Sometimes he makes jokes about being in love with Phil, just to get a hold of Phil’s reaction. 

These jokes are bad for Phil. Phil then thinks that all of the times he’s noticed Dan staring too long, all of the times Dan touches him a little too intimately—he thinks it’s all been a joke. A way to get more subscriptions on YouTube. 

So Phil won’t kiss Dan and Dan won’t kiss Phil, and they keep telling themselves that the other doesn’t want them (false), that their friendship is the most important (true), that it’s for the best (questionable). 

Pardon me, reader, but I’d really like to focus in on Dan, now. Dan, you see, is an interesting person. Not that Phil is not an interesting person, but Dan—Dan is a person for stories. Dan takes steady steps down the hallway on his tiptoes because he doesn’t want to wake anything up. He does this in the night and in the afternoon. Dan always places his coffee mug down with the handle pointing directly away from him. He likes to sing in the shower but he always forgets to do it. 

Dan looks very closely at his food, and then he very carefully puts a bite-sized bit on his tongue and holds it there. He calculates the flavor, the weight, the texture. If it remains solid, he rolls it between his teeth. If it begins to dissolve, he presses it into the top of his mouth. He swallows once, then runs his tongue along his gums before swallowing a second time.

He thinks about bacteria, about how there are tiny living things that he puts inside his body, or that are already inside his body. He thinks about how they exist completely separately from him, completely unaware of his world, and yet they are a part of him, swirling around inside something he considers his own. 

His body. His throat. His intestines. Millions of tiny lives, and he’s only a vessel to them. Maybe he’s a tiny life, and the earth is a blood cell, and he’s a part of something too big to comprehend, living only how he knows to live. 

Phil is ready to ditch their branding. The things neither of them can stand. The fringes, the whiskers, the llamas and the lions. Dan just doesn’t see a point. 

“But you hate the whiskers, Dan. You tell me that every time we see whiskers.” 

“That’s not true,” Dan says. “We saw a cat last week and I didn’t make a single whisker comment.” 

Phil gives him a look and Dan mimes zipping his mouth shut. A second later he says, “But Phil, really? We can take as many steps as we want towards something new, something different, and we’ll never get there.” 

“That’s…” Phil frowns. “That doesn’t make sense. That’s wrong. You’re wrong.” 

“It’s science.”

“You’re wrong,” Phil repeats. 

Dan rolls his eyes. “It’s Zeno’s Paradox, Phil. If there are an infinite amount of points between A and B, and there are, then you can never go from A to B.” 

“You’re wrong.”

“It’s science,” Dan reminds him. 

“Science is stupid, because, look. I’m standing at Point A.” He points to the floor, a few feet in front of him. “And that’s Point B.” 

He looks, unimpressed, at Dan as he crosses the floor. “And now I’m at Point B.” 

Dan rolls his eyes again, and Phil is annoyed. Sometimes when Dan rolls his eyes, Phil finds it endearing. Not today. 

“Look, Phil,” Dan says. “We can try as hard as we want, but llamas, and whiskers, and fringes? They’ll always be reflected on us. We can’t escape them. It’s been too many years, and our fanbase is too intense.” 

Phil shrugs. “But we won’t hate what we’re doing anymore. You won’t have to fake an existential crisis every third video. I won’t have to act like a child. Who knows—maybe our fanbase will grow with us?”

Dan shakes his head. “Impossible. They’re perpetually thirteen. And you’re perpetually a child.” 

They stare at each other for a second, and then they both break into laughter. 

They go on with their night, silently postponing the conversation for a later date. Dan thinks about it, though, as he tries to go to sleep. He decides, the problem he has with losing their branding, is that he fears he’ll be nothing without it. Without all of these things, all of these things that made him Danisnotonfire, will people care? And if people turn out to not care, will he be able to live with it? 

If you cut out all of the tiny lives, does the system still function? 

Dan thinks about bacteria and immune systems and antibiotics, and he decides that no, the system does not still function. 

Ah, reader, you’re still here. How strange. 

It’s the next morning. Between Dan and his thoughts occurs the following conversation:

**THOUGHTS: PHIL might be awake by now.**

**DANIEL: _(yawns)_**

**THOUGHTS: I should get breakfast.**

**DANIEL: _(humming)_**

**THOUGHTS: There’s PHIL.**

**DANIEL: Good morning.**

**THOUGHTS: He looks nice today. Should I tell him that?**

**DANIEL: Oh, you made coffee.**

**THOUGHTS: I should tell him that.**

**DANIEL: Is there any milk left?**

**THOUGHTS: I was a vegan once. If me or PHIL has to go to the store for milk, we won’t see as much of each other.**

**DANIEL: _(getting milk)_ Thank goodness. Thought I’d actually have to leave the house for once.**

**DANIEL: _(with a sigh)_ I like your hair pushed back like that. **

**DANIEL: _(laughing)_ Was that a _Mean Girls_ reference?**

This whole time, Phil is watching Dan with fond eyes, but Dan doesn’t notice because he’s too focused on his conversation. When Dan compliments Phil’s hair, Phil leans in close. Their faces are only a few inches apart and Phil ruins the moment by quoting a goddamn movie, and then Dan is laughing and Phil can smell that Dan hasn’t brushed his teeth yet and the moment is lost. 

Phil doesn’t kid himself—he wouldn’t have made a move anyways. But sometimes, if he gets close enough to Dan’s face, he can pretend he’s made his desires clear to Dan, and he can pretend that he’s waiting for Dan to take the next step. 

Dan and Phil go to the movies, and on their way to the theatre they run into a fan. Just before they’re about to take a picture together, Phil makes some stupid joke, and Dan looks over at him, and he gets distracted by the way Phil’s Adam’s apple rolls under the skin when Phil swallows, and then the fan is backing off, thanking them for the photo and telling them to have a good night. 

The next morning, Phil is scrolling through Tumblr and the photo is everywhere. One person comments, “I hate the whole #hearteyeshowell thing but this is actually kind of outrageous.”

Phil stares at the photo for a long time. Actually, he stares at it until Dan comes and gets him for lunch. 

“I thought for a second you’d still be sleeping,” Dan says. 

“It’s one in the afternoon, Dan. I haven’t slept past noon in years.” 

“I know,” Dan says with a smile. “That’s why I wanted to check on you.” 

Phil is a grinning mess after Dan leaves because sometimes it hits him how much Dan knows about him. How close they are to know so many little details about each other. 

Not only do they know a lot about each other, but they’ve also picked up a lot of each other’s habits as well. Dan, for example, has started to poke people to get their attention. Phil uses some of Dan’s ironic language, though with less actual irony. Their friends think it’s obnoxious and their fans think it’s adorable. Dan and Phil don’t notice, really. 

The branding conversation comes up again and it’s less pleasant on the second run. 

“What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense, Dan,” Phil says, and his voice is low and scratchy. Generally Dan likes it when Phil’s voice is like that, but right now he’s a little terrified. 

“No, you don’t understand,” Dan says for the fourth time that night. He feels drunk, almost, from the paralyzing fear of saying the wrong thing, and like he’s not explaining himself well enough. “What we created together, it’s built on these—these things—these symbols—and—”

“It isn’t, Dan!” Phil throws his hands up, and Dan flinches. “It’s not, okay? The whiskers and the lions—they mean nothing! That’s why we hate them, you know? What matters is—”

“They’re what we’re made of. They’re why people remember us.” 

Phil scoffs. “You honestly think people will think back and wonder, ‘Who were those kids with the fringes? The ones who liked the lions and the llamas?’” Phil shakes his head and Dan is shrinking in on himself. “No! If they remember us, they’ll remember us for the way we connected, Dan! We—we’re—” Phil stutters for a moment. He’s looking at Dan, who looks quite pitiful and small, and, inexplicably, he feels regret. 

See, reader, Phil regrets yelling at Dan. He regrets putting Dan in a position to be yelled at. He regrets dragging Dan on this weird journey with him. He regrets letting Dan get so caught up in his thoughts. He regrets exposing Dan to an audience. But most of all, he regrets falling in love with Dan and never doing anything about it. 

And still, when he sees the cherry red of Dan’s lips and the fair, smooth planes of his cheeks, he doesn’t regret any of it at all. 

He starts again, slower this time, quieter this time. There is kindness in his voice, and Dan looks up to listen. “We’re special to all of these people because we’re special to each other. These little things that make up our brand, they don’t mean anything. They don’t stick. What sticks is the way we interact with each other, the way we feed off of each other. We’re intertwined, Dan, and no branding will change that.”

Dan sniffs and blinks. 

“I won’t stop making stupid Q and A videos with you just because we don’t wear whiskers. We won’t not be best friends anymore just because our hairstyles aren’t perfect clones of each other’s.” 

That earns a small smile. Dan’s eyes are wet, but he already looks far less pitiful than before. 

“The branding gets in the way of just being us,” Phil says. “I want to show our subscribers _us._ Without the pretense of who we were four years ago.” 

Phil has to look away because Dan is staring at him with too much intensity. When Phil finally gets up the courage to look back, Dan gives him a nod. 

“Okay,” he whispers. “Okay.” 

They both make three videos—two main channels each and a gaming video together—without once mentioning anything related to their brand. In Phil’s second main channel video and the gaming video, his hair is pushed up into a quiff. Dan’s is left uncurled in all three of the videos he’s in. 

On Dan’s channel, they make a video discussing the drop of the brand.

“It’ll be just the same,” Phil says. 

“But more honest,” Dan adds, and they meet eyes and grin. 

Dan feels much better about everything than he figured he would. Taking apart the branding was less like killing off his internal micro-biome and more like taking off all of his clothes. Still terrifying as hell—but less life and death. 

He tells Phil that, and Phil agrees.

“Completely naked,” Phil says. “No idea what’s happening.” 

“At least you’re here, though. It’d be hell alone.” 

Phil nods. “Yeah. At least we’re naked together.” 

And then they promptly look away from each other, as far away as they can turn their heads. Dan’s cheeks are bright red and Phil’s ears are too. 

They have a personal, celebratory party that night, just the two of them. They get a bottle of red wine and some crisps and they sit on the floor in front of the couch and laugh about the good ole’ days, the good current days. 

Now, reader, look. When Dan drinks he gets smiley and submissive. When Phil drinks, he gets touchy. 

So when they’re both several glasses in, Dan is laughing and clutching his sides, his face bright red and his smile pushing up into his cheeks. Phil really likes Dan smile, he can’t stop thinking about it, so he leans forward and pushes his nose against Dan’s dimple. Dan blinks and giggles. Part of him thinks this is weird and they should maybe stop, but the other part is amused and wants to see where things could lead. 

Phil says, “You’re so happy when you drink. The happiest. The _most_ happy.” 

Dan laughs and wraps his arms around Phil’s shoulders because it seems like the best thing to do. “I love you, Philip,” he says, and he puts his head on Phil’s shoulder.

 Phil hums and puts his lips to Dan’s neck. He feels Dan shiver slightly, and so he starts to suck gently and kiss. Dan stays draped over Phil’s shoulder. Eventually, Phil gets tired of sucking and kissing, and he lies back on the floor, Dan coming down with him, and they both fall asleep. 

It’s Phil who wakes up first, because his left leg is numb and his neck hurts from not having a pillow, but when he realizes Dan is lying on top of him, a warm heap of everything he loves about life, he makes no move to get up. The pain is almost excruciating at times—it ebbs and flows—but he puts up with it because Dan is sleeping and he may never get this again. 

Dan wakes up probably a half hour later, and shifts unpleasantly on Phil’s hipbone. He lets out a low whine and pushes himself up by his elbows, hovering over Phil. 

“I hurt all over,” he says, not acknowledging their position. His eyes flicker over Phil’s face. 

“Me too,” Phil says, and Dan’s breath smells strongly of red wine. “I want my bed.” 

Dan blinks and climbs off. “I think I’m just gonna crash on the couch. What time is it, do you think?”

“Still dark, so it can’t be that late.” Phil yawns and gets to his feet. “See you in a few hours probably?” 

“Yeah. See you.” He collapses onto the sofa. 

Phil pauses by the entry to the hallway. “Hey, Dan?” 

“Mhm?” 

“I love you.” 

Dan mumbles a response, but it’s smothered by the couch cushions. 

When both boys are awake the next day and sitting in their designated spots on the sofa, Phil with coffee in hand and Dan with a glass of lemonade, Dan says, “I think we have to postpone that Games video for another day.” 

“Why?” Phil frowns, looking over from the TV. 

Dan points at his neck. Phil’s mouth falls open, because he hadn’t realized he’d made such dark marks, and so many marks, the night before. They litter Dan’s skin all along his jawline, and then down to his collarbone. At a quick glance it seems like there must be at least a dozen of them. 

“I am so sorry,” Phil says instantly. “I don’t know what came over me.” 

Dan shakes his head and Phil can see the beginnings of a blush forming. “It’s okay. I really don’t mind.” 

Phil shakes his head right back but Dan doesn’t see him. “I don’t know what came over me,” he says again. 

“Just… Games. Another night. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Phil nods. “Yeah.”

Reader, Dan is _happy._ He doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy. His relationship with Phil is better than it’s been in a while and he feels like his relationship with his subscribers has never been better than it is now. 

He just wishes he could kiss Phil already. 

He also sort of hates that he puts so much weight on the physical aspects of a relationship. What he and Phil have—it’s beautiful already. It doesn’t need physicality. It doesn’t need kisses or romantic gestures or heated sex. He likes things the way they are, he does, but some part of him won’t stop calling for more.

And he just can’t take the step. 

How many times this week alone have he and Phil gotten so close they could feel the warmth radiating from the other’s body? The breath from the other’s lips? 

Reader, the answer is eight times. Eight times this week alone. 

Dan is almost sick of it. He pushes himself closer and closer each time, but there’s an infinite number of points between him and Phil and, thus, logically, he can never reach Phil’s mouth for a kiss. 

It’s harsh and unfair and Dan hates logic suddenly. 

Alright, reader. I’m getting a bit impatient and I’m sure you are, too. Dan and Phil, they play cat and mouse for over two weeks. Two weeks! Well, I suppose that’s nothing compared to the seven years they’ve been lusting after each other. Small steps, point by point in an infinite realm. 

But it’s not infinite! Phil, unlike Dan, is very certain of reality, very certain of what is what and what is truth. Phil knows that Dan is there, palpable, only so far away, and that he is capable of moving that distance to get there. Phil doesn’t blame paradoxes for his inability to kiss Dan—he assigns the blame to his own cowardice. And when something is correctly assigned, reader, beautiful things can happen. 

Between Dan and Phil occurs the following conversation: 

**PHIL: Look at this cat, DAN.**

**DAN: _(mumbles incoherently)_**

**PHIL: DAN, look at this cat.**

**DAN: _(leans towards PHIL to look at laptop screen)_ Why is it doing that? **

**PHIL: _(shrugging)_ I think it had too much catnip.**

**DAN: Do you think catnip is addictive for cats?**

**PHIL: _(looks over his shoulder at DAN and sees how close he is)_ Oh! Oh. I don’t know.**

**DAN: I bet it is. I bet it’s like heroin.**

Phil doesn’t know how to respond so he doesn’t say anything. His and Dan’s noses are almost brushing, but Dan isn’t looking at him. Dan is still looking at the computer screen, and Phil sort of wants to scream. 

When Dan finally returns Phil’s gaze, his eyes widen. “Oh,” Dan says, much like Phil had only a moment ago. He’s surprised but he doesn’t move away. 

In fact, he finds himself leaning ever-so-slightly closer. 

Their noses bump. 

Reader, I think this is a personal moment. These are real people! You dirty, dirty spy. How would you feel if some stranger were reading about your first kiss with your true love? Perhaps Dan and Phil wouldn’t appreciate it. 

It’s hard to say, though, because they’re both quite swept up in one another right now. 

Oh, very well. You’ve already gotten a glimpse into their minds, after all. What could be more personal?

Their noses bump and Dan blinks. Part of him wants to look into Phil’s eyes, to fall into the swirl of colors and everything—what color are they again? Blue? Green? Yellow?—but he’s so mesmerized by the lips that he cannot drag his gaze away. 

And then Phil’s thumb is swiping over Dan’s bottom lip, and Dan inhales softly, not even comprehending how close he is to a kiss.

See, it still feels like infinity, because it hasn’t happened yet. 

Phil pulls Dan’s lip down slightly with his thumb, and Dan complies by opening his mouth, and Phil lets go of his lip but cradles his chin with his thumb and forefinger. With just a tiny bit of hesitation, barely enough to be noticeable, he pulls Dan in, and their mouths come together sloppily, their lips dry, missing slightly. 

They don’t know this part of each other. Phil doesn’t know how Dan likes to do short, small kisses, pulling back only to come back in, like a bumblebee or a hummingbird. Dan doesn’t know how Phil likes to tangle his fingers into hair, and how Phil likes to nibble slightly on bottom lips. 

It’s new territory. And to Dan, the possibilities are infinite.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i hope you liked it, my tumblr is [kittycatriona](http://www.kittycatriona.tumblr.com), come say hi. 
> 
> ALSO PROMO if you're in the phandom and you're looking for a study buddy or a tutor, or if you would like to possibly tutor others (in any field!) check out the [phandom study buddy!](http://www.phandomstudybuddy.tumblr.com) It's a work in progress, and not up and running yet, but any support would be great! and ask any questions you'd like!
> 
> please leave a comment?:)


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